can someone please get my dad some adderall?

my dad has some of the worst ADD of anyone i have ever met. he cannot pay attention for the life of him. i frequently have long monologues conversations with him, and when i ask him for his opinion at the end of the story, he’ll just sit there in silence. i’ll say, “daddd? daddddddd? jeffffffff? what do you think?” and he’ll look up and not only ask what i said, but he’ll ask if i even SAID anything. ridiculous. then i’ll repeat the story 8 times before he picks his head up from his blackberry/the newspaper he’s reading/the golf scorecard he’s analyzing/the club(s) (yes, 3 clubs these days- further proof that my dad is a ridiculous person) newsletters to see if any photos of him playing golf/tennis/paddle tennis/skeet shooting/socializing made the cut. then he’ll ask me to repeat myself. all day, everyday.

not only does my dad not listen in regular conversations, but he doesn’t even listen when we are talking about/to him about his lack of listening skills. he basically functions as a deaf person. he doesn’t like loud noises either though, which is a problem. no coughing, sneezing, hiccuping, laughing too loudly, reenacting YouTube videos too loudly (which is a nightly occurrence at my house), etc.

we have a few nicknames for my dad, too. the problem is that he doesn’t even listen enough to realize that we’re referring to him. therefore, he never responds. he doesn’t respond to anything actually though, come to think of it. our favorite nickname for him is jason. we like to think of jason as his younger, hipper alter-ego (for example, he is jason when he’s wearing his super trendy agave jeans i made him buy). his real name is jefferson (i know, i know), so jason is just jefferson without the effer. occasionally we refer to him as fabio. please note that our animals also each have two names, but i’ll get to that in a later post.

one ridiculous thing my father did lately was ask me for incredibly basic information about my mother. keep in mind that not only have my parents have been married for 25 years, but they have also known each other for about 40 years (they met in high school). my dad was booking flights for a trip recently and he asked me for my mom’s CELL PHONE NUMBER, passport number, social security number, and BIRTHDAY. not only did he need the day, but he also needed the month and the YEAR. last year my health insurance didn’t work for a couple months because my dad told the company that my birthday was in april of 1989… not too far off from september 1991, i guess?

my dad also believed my sister and me tonight when we told him that the kitten got highlights, new mascara, and eyelash extensions. or maybe he just wasn’t listening…

xo charlotte