reasons why my life is a joke

13 Apr

so yesterday as i walked across the academic quad at my school i realized my zipper was down after ten minutes. and i was wearing tight jeans, so my zipper was stretched open. and it was when everyone had just come out of class so there were tons of students walking towards me. and i was wearing a short shirt and jacket. to sum up, my life is a joke.

as soon as i realized it,  i just zipped that mofo back up and went on with my day. i have no idea who saw, but i hope i made their day a little bit funnier…but now they probably think i’m a joke. the thing is, i’m okay with that. because my life is a joke. i mean my mom rips on me all the time…you know you’re life’s a joke when your 50-year-old mom is laughing at you cus you can’t fit into her jeans. if you still don’t believe me, i’m just going to tell you some other things that have happened in my life that are just well, a joke.

most parents get the sex talk from their mom or dad. i got the sex talk from both sets of grandparents…one in korean…and one in greek. can you say awkward?!? my mom just thought it would be funny to tell my grandparents that i’m sexually active one day that we visited both sets of them. WTF. all of a sudden, our casual dinner turned into a lecture. my grandparents were lecturing me about sex. fml. i wanted to die. they were also very confused because i told them i didn’t have a boyfriend, and my mom tried explain how booty calls work. she was laughing the whole time my grandparents were talking while i was trying not to make eye contact. btw, i did not get the sex talk from my mom or dad. i have just gotten other really awkward talks, including one where my dad begged me to go on birth control because he didn’t want to become a grandpa(i didn’t) and other various ones that i’m too embarrassed to post.

my parents, for some reason, also think i’m an alcoholic. i have no idea where that came from considering i’m a two-beer queer and don’t even drink a lot. this is just martina and mike’s imaginations at work. however, for this reason they have also told my grandparents that i’m an alcoholic, and i’ve gotten a drinking lecture from both of them as well. except for one of my grandpas…he now asks me what type of drink i want every time i come over. oh and my mom tries to use reverse psychology on me all the time to find out if i’m doing anything i’m not supposed to. she knew all my friends smoked cigarettes regularly and she thought i was smoking them too (i didn’t at the time and i still don’t). so one time during junior year after i came home from hanging out with my friends,  she started yelling at me and accusing me of smoking cigarettes (which i don’t) and telling me i couldn’t hide it cus i smelled like cigarettes. the thing is I DIDN’T SMOKE CIGARETTES and i had made sure my friends didn’t smoke around me cus i knew she was going to be home. all of a sudden she sniffs my fingers and she’s like “AHHA! I KNEW IT! your fingers smell like nicotine!” wtf. i didn’t smoke cigarettes so how would my fingers smell like nicotine? after fighting with her for an hour and denying it (because it wasn’t true!) she finally gave up and left me alone.

in addition, for some reason i always attract the creepiest weirdos. i was once text-stalked by someone i had never even talked to who “liked me from his heart” (that is the only PG thing he said to me..gross) BUT WE HAVE NEVER TALKED. and then when i stopped responding he tried to turn it on me and make me feel like i was the weirdo by saying “i was the rudest person he ever met and that i was weird etc. etc.” unfortunately, i have also dated a masochist for three weeks during junior year of high school who cut words into his arms with knives and branded himself with cookie cutters because he liked the pain. WTF. as soon as i found this out i stopped talking to him.

oh, i’ve also gotten scammed in the city. because i am an idiot and did everything my parents told me not to. i learned a major life lesson. so anyway, me and my friend, xtina, went to the city to look for this place we heard of that makes fakes near NYU. so we were asking around because the location had moved and we couldn’t find the new place. (sketchy of us i know) and this guy told us he knew where it was but we were wary of him, so he showed us his ID of florida and said he got it there. i was confused though because it said he was under 21, and he told us he got it made to use in court. (we’re idiots and we believed him. yeah, WE’RE IDIOTS) so he took us to this sketchy side street and told us that he was going to go in the building and set everything up for us. he went into the building as we waited outside down the street, and when he came back we hung out with him for 20 minutes as he explained that he was going to go in to talk to the person, and then we had to come in 15 seconds after he did, and then go down the stairs, sign the forms and the guy would take our pictures and make them. however, he wanted half the cash up front and half after we got our ids. we, IDIOTS, gave him $90 and watched him disappear into the door. we counted to 15 and walked in. we didn’t see a stairs, and we didn’t see him…it was a paint shop. fml. he had made us go thru the back door as he escaped with our money thru the front. yeah, we’re IDIOTS and got scammed of $90. however, when we got back home we told all our friends that we got robbed by a black midget at knifepoint because we were too embarrassed to admit the truth. and people believed it for months, lol.

and on the same note, since i’m an IDIOT which in turn leads to the joke that i call my life, i’ve left my car running with the keys in the ignition for over 8 hours in a parking lot in my town without realizing it. luckily my car was not stolen and i had enough gas that by the time i got back there was just enough to get to the gas station, but all the tubes in my car were ruined because of the hot water running through them for 8 hours. seriously…who leaves their car running for 8 hours without knowing? AN IDIOT. also, because i live in the dirty jerz, i never learned how to pump gas because the gas attendants do it for you (yeah bitches) but this thought didn’t occur to me when me and my friend went on a snowboard trip in new york. on the way back from the mountain, the two of us were standing at the gas station trying to figure out how to work the pump. after 10 minutes i went inside the foodmart thing and asked the guy how to do it. he def thought we were stupid even though i told him i was from jersey and he explained it to me and i went back out to try again. another 10 minutes and i was back in the foodmart. this time the guy just came out and did it for us, thank god. still…embarrassing. since then i’ve learned how to pump gas.

i could go on and on with this post because i do stupid things everyday and stupid things happen to me all the time just like getting sit on my a 200 lb. man while skiing, slipping and wiping out on my butt TWICE in front of half the football team and falling down a whole flight of stairs in front of a hot guy. oh and i have a roommate that takes creepy pictures of me when i sleep and has a whole album of me on her blackberry of random pictures i wasn’t aware she was taking. however, i have homework to do considering its SPRING PARTY WEEKEND starting tomorrow (which also means i’ll probably won’t be posting til sunday!) but i hope that i made you laugh and feel better about your own life.

-Mary (aka “sped” in high school…not explaining that one)

ps: i’ve also gotten pie’d sophomore year. fml.


One Response to “reasons why my life is a joke”

  1. jeannie April 14, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

    la la la love you “mary lately”

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